Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Random Musings

Autumn is upon us, and with the falling of the leaves comes a Little Piece of Joy for you.

Now, if that video truly is what it claims to be, and I'm not going to give it away so you better watch it, does that mean they were both "excited" before heading out on stage? Do you think they maintain that excitement naturally, or are they on performance enhancing drugs? And I don't want to even get into the odd combination of thinness and weight you would need to play specific piano keys in that fashion...

On to more important things, like solving the federal budget deficit. I want a serious inquiry into how much the various special forces of the government spend on private jets. Seriously, if TV is even close to correct, every team of three agents who just rescued a good-hearted teenage girl who ran away from home and wound up a stripper and nearly murdered gets their own private jet flight home. I'm appreciative of every kidnap victim they manage to save, but can't we throw them on a commercial flight and call it a day? Hell, we can even spring for first class.

While we're on the subject of law enforcement, why doesn't someone tell the cops that every time someone asks them for a moment to compose themselves before being arrested, they're going to run away? It's as if police officers live in a world where Law and Order reruns aren't on television all day everyday.

And don't even get me started on strippers with hearts of gold. Why won't they just let us feel sorry for them? If television or the movies are any indication, if you tell a stripper you're sorry about how her life ended up she's going to give you a Z snap and say "Don't Be! Don't Be! I'm Not!" in an overly sassy tone. Let us be sorry for you, gold-hearted strippers!

With that idea in mind, enjoy this blast from the past for your ears.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Date Lance

It's a rainy day in LA, but that just means we all really need this Little Piece of Joy.

Honestly, explore that website for a while. It is the funniest thing I've seen in a long time. Notice when they're checking off qualifications that they aren't quite sure he has a sense of humor? How about this gem in the "What is Lance Looking For?" section:

"Lance is a really nice guy, so someone nice would probably be good."

Well, I do hope Lance has a sense of humor, because apparently it isn't just the website.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

I'm Still Here!

There is nothing more joyful than a dramatic reading of someone else's text messages.

Now, I know it's been a while since I wrote anything, but I've been working like a madman soooo...

Anyway, I can't really think of anything to write about right now, just wanted to drop by and say I didn't forget about you guys. All 26 of you are still as important to me as ever, and when I do have something riveting to rant about this will be the first place I turn.


Friday, September 10, 2010

The Worst People in the World.

There is no joy in the world today, so I don't have a little piece of it for you. No, my friends, I've met the devil-- in fact, a few of them-- and I can tell you this is no time for merriment. Evil is among us, and you may not even know it. I'm talking about stage parents.

I'm coming to you today from the belly of the beast: I am on set right this very instant, surrounded by evil, youth destroying stage parents. You see, we're shooting a commercial that involves a lot of young actors, and to be honest with you, they are all very good at their job and they look like they're enjoying themselves...

... But that's the problem. I've never looked at a kid riding a swing and thought, "Wow, I bet that kid is having fun." No, I've heard him laughing and playing and never had to question if he was having fun. These kids are child actors, and so they act happy. But they aren't happy.

Did you know child actors get tutored in little tents in between their scenes? That's right, they go to tent school. That's worse than home school.

Did you know child actors have to sit still for prolonged periods of time in hair and makeup? For normal kids, sitting still and staring straight ahead is called "time out," and it's worse than water boarding.

And all the while these parents act as if think they're doing the child a favor. I don't care if the kid insists that he loves performing and grows up to be the biggest star in the world, I still think he may have a few regrets about not having a childhood. Although I guess we can look to some of our greatest child stars to refute that idea. What do you say guys?

But what qualifies these stage parents for the title of Worst People in the World is that they have the audacity to act as if this is a burden on them. Truly, I heard a mother complaining just now about how she never has any time for herself because she's always on set. News flash, lady, if you weren't here eating catered food and counting the money your seven year old is making you would be somewhere else: at work.

To ruin your kid's life for money is one thing, but to then go ahead and complain as if it is a burden to you? That's why you're the Worst People in the World.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Eloquence Inaction

Put some headphones on before enjoying this Lil' POJ, because there is some pretty strong language involved in this gem of a song. That's Cee Lo Green, aka the fat guy from Gnarls Barkley, singing. You want some more good news? He promised us another Gnarls album.

While I love the song, I will not be busting it out at a karaoke bar anytime soon. Why? I'm going to stop cursing, in song, speech, or otherwise. This isn't because I think swear words are bad. In fact, I don't think any words are bad; I think they're just words, nothing more nothing less. I don't think we should tell children "you're going to get in trouble if you say that word" because that's just going to make them want to say those words that much more. We should tell them "Say whatever you like, but say it eloquently."

And to prove that's really how I feel about this, I'm going to strike curse words from my vocabulary, not because they're bad, but because they impede eloquence.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

My To Do List

Here's a little Piece of Joy: some great news from Time Magazine (at least for my friends).

In other news, at the start of 2010, a year which is now 2/3 of the way over (WTF?!?), I made a list of things I was going to do in the coming year. Here is the list, preserved exactly the way it was written over eight months ago, of all the things I planned on doing:

Jet skis,
Big booty hos,
Dog sleds,
The Iditarod,
Hang gliding,
Cattle rustling,
Airplane driving,
Scuba jumping,
Fine dining,
Cheap drinking,

I've accomplished around half of those, a little under a half remains to be done, and a select few are still waiting to be translated (I can't find my Drunk to Sober dictionary right now). If anyone can help me with some of the more difficult line items-- tractors and mambling, to be specific-- let me know.

In the next few months, every now and again I'll let you know which of any of these things I've managed to cross off the list, with photo verification no less.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Fun Games

Here's a POJ from your youth, in fact the whole site is mucho entertaining-o. Many thanks to Jon Levy, who took time out of his busy day as a government employee to e-mail me about that Legos blog. You know what is a real Little Piece of Joy? The fact that, in that upper right hand shot, Lego man finally has a... how do I say it... a lil' piece of joy, perhaps?

In all honesty, I loved Legos when I was a little kid. I always though they were preparing me for life as a successful architect. I didn't become an architect, but I did continue to hone important life skills through games. Here are my current favorites:

Don't Burn the Bacon.

Perfecting this game is key to uniting two of life's necessities: drinking heavily, and holding down a job. Bacon is the world's best hangover cure: it's delicious, nutritious, and is not alcoholic-- which is a far cry from everything else in my stomach in the morning. However, who has the time to both shower and make bacon in the morning? You would, if you were any good at Don't Burn the Bacon. The game is simple: set your sizzling pork on the stove, and get your ass in the shower. Shampoo, soap up, and wash yourself off before the bacon needs to be flipped. The winner gets to work on time, clean, with a belly full of (pork) belly, and the beauty is we can all win.

Other gems include:

So You Think You Can Dance Drive -- The ultimate test of who can shake their rump while driving an automobile, preferably in heavy traffic.

The Great Wallet Hunt -- An excellent combination of sheer tenacity and a failing memory.

I'm Parked Illegally Wind Sprints -- When you can't find a parking space and you only need to run in for a second. There are no winners here, only losers.